


The Slayer Goes To Middle Earth

by love_from_belle



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Bilbo Is Bewildered, But It Isn't Graphic Yet, Crack, Culture Differences, Elrond and Lindir have Had Enough, Gandalf Is Confused, Gen, I've tried, Lauren Has Learned to Just Go With It, MGiME, Modern Culture Versus Medieval Dwarvish Culture, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, Saruman is No Match for a Pissed Off Slayer, The Dwarves Have No Clue What Is Happening, Vampire Slayer in Middle Earth, because I can't write this as a serious fic, definitely crack, musey doesn't want this to be a serious fic apparently., obviously, there is some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-05-07 10:50:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14669580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_from_belle/pseuds/love_from_belle
Summary: Lauren Stewart is a very normal girl with a very unique gift. One night on patrol, she faces off against a Big Bad, falls into an open grave, and lands on the dinner table at Bag End in front of thirteen very confused Dwarves, an unconscious Hobbit and a rather surprised Wizard. Thus begins her journey through Middle Earth.My take on a MGiME. With a bit of a BtVS reference thrown in because I thought, hey, interesting.





	1. Prologue

Okay, so we all know how this story starts, don’t we? In a hole in the ground, with a hobbit.

But, actually, the story doesn’t start there. Not this time.

My name’s Lauren Stewart. I’m a 21 year old girl from York, England. And I have a secret. No, not a secret boyfriend. Or a secret smoking addiction. Perkins would never let me smoke.

I’m the Vampire Slayer. She who hangs out a lot in cemeteries. If you don’t know who the Vampire Slayer is, lucky you. Stop reading now and go live your happy, normal, white-picket-fence life. Unless you want to read this. In which case, go ahead.

I would normally let my Watcher say this part, since he loves to blurt it out whenever possible, but he’s not around anymore. Or am I not around anymore? This is complicated. Anyway, let’s say the pre-prepared paragraph that always sounds clichéd to high heaven.

Into every generation, a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world. She alone will have the strength and skill to hunt the vampires and stop the spread of their evil. Blah, blah, blah. Boring, really. Whip out a sword, cut a few heads off, Bob’s your uncle, work finished for the night.

Or that’s how it’s been since I was chosen when I was thirteen. 

This routine patrol just had to go sideways, though. A Big Bad had to go and chuck me into a grave.

And I had to end up in a fantasy world as a result.

What is my life coming to?


	2. Chapter One

Bilbo Baggins was stressed. Not stressed as in, I’ve got my A-Levels tomorrow and a vampire coming to kill me the day after and then some supernatural boogie man showing up in town the day after that and when can I get some down time to buy a dress for the end-of-year party, stressed.

He was stressed for an entirely different, but just as valid in his mind, reason. Twelve Dwarves and a Wizard had just marched into his house, rearranged his furniture, emptied his pantry, and ruined the plumbing in his bathroom. On top of that, a thirteenth Dwarf had had the nerve to call him a grocer, and a… burglar?

No. Bilbo Baggins was not just stressed. He was stressed, offended, exhausted and fed up at the same time. If he had been given time to reprimand this Thorin Oakenshield, he would have mentioned in no uncertain terms that he was not a grocer, nor a burglar, but that he was a Baggins of Bag End, and one of the most respectable Hobbits in all of the Shire.

But Thorin had stomped in with all the grace of an oliphaunt and then almost broken Grandpa Mungo’s chair when he flopped into it. And the last bit of Bilbo’s supper was now being eaten.

Scratch that last emotional run-down. Bilbo was not just stressed, offended, exhausted and fed up. He was hungry too. And a hungry Hobbit is a hobbit that does not take any shit from anyone. As was proven when he yelled about there not being a mark on his door and that it was painted a week ago to ensure that Bag End remained respectable.

Bilbo was about to launch into another tirade about bumbling Wizards when Gandalf rolled his eyes and told the entire group surrounding the table that Bilbo Baggins was a Burglar, even if he did not know it yet.

At that point, during the silence that reigned after, a girl wearing the oddest-looking clothes appeared to fall through the ceiling and crashed into the table, unconscious, prompting the Dwarves to roar about their secret meeting being crashed by a spy and Bilbo to fret about the state of his beloved dining table before passing out cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm leaving the character description alone so that everyone can relate and/or fit themselves in if they want.


	3. Chapter Two

Lauren woke up on a bed that was clearly too small for her in a wood-panelled room containing one grey-haired bearded person, one white-haired bearded person, one brown-haired bearded person, a very curly haired not-bearded person and another grey-haired bearded person that practically filled up the entire room, all chatting amongst themselves.

Her hand instinctively reached for the stake that she kept in her belt and she panicked when she discovered it was missing. She flipped off the bed and adjusted her stance, ready to fight if need be, all while glaring at the others in the room.

The curly haired person squeaked and dived behind the giant person, and Lauren blinked at the unexpected reaction at the exact same time that the brown-haired bearded person rolled his eyes and glared at the giant person. Before anyone could say anything, though, the white-bearded person put his hands up and approached.

“You are safe here, lassie. We will not harm ye. How about we all introduce ourselves?” he said.

Lauren stubbornly kept her stance, though her face relaxed and she replied, “Lauren, the Vampire Slayer, and you?”

“Well met, Lauren the Vampire Slayer. I am Balin, son of Fundin. This is Óin, son of Gróin,” he indicated the grey-haired bearded person next to him, “and Thorin, son of Thraín, son of Thrór.”

“Okay, okay, nice joke,” Lauren interrupted him. “You’re all actors, right? The Council of Watchers put you up to this, didn’t they? Thought it’d be funny to dump me into my favourite book? I get it. Sick joke, but I understand. So, that means that you-” she pointed at the giant “- are Gandalf the Grey and the curly haired fellow behind you is Bilbo Baggins. And I am currently in Bag End, in the Shire. Great. Where are the others? Might as well give them a chance to say their lines.”

“My dear girl,” Gandalf said, “this is not a book! You appeared in the air above the dining table looking like you’d been beaten half to death. May I enquire what happened to put you in this state?”

“Okay, I’ll run with this then since you seem to be intent on going through with this. I got beaten up by this really trippy 60s vamp who called himself Lord McCartney. He tossed me into a grave and I woke up here.” 

The others in the room seemed shocked at her story.

“My dear, I did not understand most of what you said,” Gandalf told her. “It is clear to me, however, that you come from another world and that you are a fighter. I would like to ask you another question, if I can. What weapons do you use to best this ‘really trippy 60s vamp’?”

“Boy, you really do not know who I am, do you? Vampire Slayer, fellas. I’ve trained in weapons and hand-to-hand combat since I was recognised as a Potential back when I was 8,” Lauren replied.

“Thorin,” Gandalf said. “I insist that she comes with us. She is clearly here for a purpose.”

Before Lauren could get a word in edgeways, the men had all filed out of the room and left her alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just now realising these chapters are super short. But I kinda wanna finish this soon.
> 
> feedback would be awesome if ya wanna leave it.


	4. Chapter Three

Lauren woke the next morning to a Hobbit running in and out of rooms muttering to himself. It appeared that the Dwarves had left without them. Of course they did, she thought. Stretching her back and yawning, she got out of bed and walked straight into the top of the doorway. 

“Of course whoever sent me here would not have given me the correct proportions to get through a door… blasted destiny…” she grumbled to herself.

On her second attempt at going through the doorway, she remembered to duck, and was instantly crashed into by a very out-of-breath Bilbo Baggins who was busily packing for the adventure. As Lauren had arrived from her world last night with nothing but the clothes on her back and a few stakes, crucifixes and a rather nice dagger used for dispatching demons, she needed Bilbo’s help to gather such equipment that would be useful on their journey.

Lauren politely declined the numerous offers of “respectable clothing” from the hobbit, citing that her clothing was perfectly respectable and practical on her world, thank you very much. 

After rushing Bilbo out of the door, she grabbed all the pocket handkerchiefs she could find, stuffed them in the bag of supplies Bilbo had given her and left Bag End.

Bilbo looked at the hobbits milling around.

“We’re going to have to run if we want to catch up with them,” he said. “They’ve got a good couple of hours head start, and they’re on ponies.”

“I can catch up with them easily, then,” Lauren told him. “Enhanced speed is one of the perks of being the Slayer. I’m faster than ponies, even when they are at a full gallop.”

“I should very much like to see that one day, miss, but I cannot run that fast. And I shall need a few breaks if we are to catch up with them before they reach Bree.”

“Well, Master Baggins, if you would like, I shall carry you. And then we shall reach those foolish Dwarves far sooner than they could ever hope. You would need to point me in the right direction, however. I am a stranger to these lands.”

Bilbo responded to that in a way that every self-respecting Hobbit would; he sat down on his bench and took several very deep breaths.

“Miss, I do not want to be carried anywhere. I don’t want to ride a pony. I just want to walk,” he said, and he set off in the direction of the lake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments give lauren life.


	5. Chapter Four

Obviously, Lauren ended up carrying Bilbo after the first two miles of running. Sixteen miles and half an hour later, they had caught up with the Dwarves, none of whom expected their Burglar to be being carried by a girl who was running faster than the horses could move. Indeed, Dori almost fell off his pony in shock. 

After the inevitable argument with Thorin about the lack of a steed for Lauren, the Company continued trotting to Bree, a journey which was paused at one point due to a sneeze from Bilbo. The problem of his lack of pocket handkerchiefs was solved by Lauren dumping the entire pile that she’d gathered at Bag End into his lap and receiving a horrendously grateful look from the Hobbit in return.

After arriving at Bree and checking in to the Prancing Pony, Gandalf insisted that Lauren at least buy one dress to fit in and a cloak to hide her “outlandish” clothes. Really, Lauren thought, what is outlandish about a tank top paired with leather trousers and a jacket? Perfectly stylish combat gear.

The journey from Bree to the Trollshaws was uneventful at most. With her odd clothing thoroughly covered up with an ordinary-looking cloak, the Dwarves seemed to be more at ease with her. The first to approach her was, of course, Ori, much to the consternation of both Dori and Nori. He had so many questions that he distracted himself from his riding and almost fell off his pony trying to ask them all.

“Where do you come from? What is your world like? What are the Dwarves there like? Why are you wearing so little? What is the symbol around your neck? Why do you arm yourself with wooden spikes and weird little crosses? How can you run so fast?”

By the time Ori had run himself out of breath, Lauren was in full on hysterical laughter. The poor Dwarf went bright red at the response.

“Okay, Ori,” she said. “One question at a time, please, and I promise you that I will answer them all.”

“Where do you come from?” Ori asked her. “I gather that wherever it is, it is not of this world.”

“That would be correct,” she replied, “for I am of England, Earth, in the year 2018. I do not know where it is in relation to this world, but I expect my Watcher is looking for me already. It does not do to have a Slayer wander off, after all.”

“What is a Slayer?” Ori asked interestedly.

“A Slayer is a chosen one who hunts vampires, demons and the forces of darkness,” Lauren told him. “One girl in every generation is chosen. The Slayer has many abilities that help her do her job. Enhanced healing abilities, enhanced agility and speed, enhanced reflexes… and we Slayers are stronger than ten men put together. It is part of our heritage.”

Some of the other Dwarves had started listening in on this conversation.

“So, ye are strong, then, girl? Ye don’t look strong,” Dwalin said doubtfully.

With that having been said, Lauren wandered over towards a tree.

“Girl! Where are you going? We must keep moving towards a safe camping ground!” Thorin yelled at her.

“Oh, I know, oh mighty King,” she replied haughtily. “But one of the Company has seen fit to doubt my strength, and so I must defend it if I am ever to get any respect around here.”

With that, she pushed the tree straight over, ripping the roots out of the ground, and lifted it above her head and threw it straight over their heads, and it landed safely on the other side of the road. Dwarven jaws dropped, Bilbo fainted again and all the blood drained from Gandalf’s face.

“I may not look strong, Master Dwarf,” Lauren stated, “but I am a Slayer. I was born to fight evil, in whatever guise it takes, wherever it may hide, and for some reason I have been sent on your quest. But I cannot defend you while you doubt my abilities.”

The Dwarves nodded and seemed to have an unspoken conversation, while Oin was busy trying to wake the unconscious Hobbit.

The journey continued. The Dwarves were now borderline terrified of Lauren’s strength, with Fili and Kili describing her as “more terrifying than Mum, in her own way” and Thorin vehemently denying that fact. Ori tried to approach her on more than one occasion but was stopped by an overprotective Dori. Gandalf, however, brought his horse back to where Lauren was walking for some good-quality Wizardly conversation.

“My dear,” he said. “Was it really necessary to terrify the wits out of these poor folk? Could you not have waited until somewhere safer to show your gifts?”

“Well, Gandalf the Grey, I would have waited had I not understood how highly valued strength is on journeys such as these. I have been on many Quests in my time, some more dangerous than others, and on all dangerous quests, strength is necessary to survive them. As it is, I intend to begin training Master Baggins in whatever weaponry I can get my hands on. That Hobbit deserves to survive this quest, Mithrandir.”

Gandalf started a bit at the mention of the name he was known as by the Elves, so Lauren decided to lay it on a bit thicker.

“Or should I say, Tharkun? Or perhaps Olorin? I know who you are, Grey Pilgrim. And I know why you are on this Quest. You are uneasy. And you are right to be. I can tell you no more right now.”

Gandalf gulped and rode to the head of the Company in order to get as far away from Lauren as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters today wow... or is it one yesterday or one today? time, so confusing.
> 
> kudos and comments keep lauren strong enough to lift and throw trees. which she should technically not be able to do, but screw it, she went to middle earth and got a power upgrade.


	6. Chapter Five

As night fell, the company reached the ruins of a farmhouse. We all know how this bit goes, don’t we? Gandalf said some ominous words, Thorin ranted about the Elves until Gandalf got pissed and ran off to “seek the company of the only one around here who’s got any sense” and Bombur cooked his stew that no-one got a chance to eat. And, finally, Fili and Kili sent Bilbo off on a suicidal mission to steal the stolen ponies back from the trolls. Lauren didn’t particularly want to remember the words spoken around the cooking fire that evening. It wasn’t very pleasant, particularly on the subject of Elves.

So we shall just skip to the part where Kili ran in and yelled, “Trolls!!! The burglar’s gone after three trolls!!!” and Lauren snickered and yelled “TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!!!” and pretended to faint, just like a true fangirl. And yes, she was a fangirl, no matter how hard Perkins had tried to convince her that that lifestyle was “unbefitting of a Slayer, in every way”

After explaining that this was a reference to her favourite series and adding that despite being the Slayer, she was a textbook Ravenclaw, Thorin had had enough, and had stormed off in search of the burglar and the trolls, and the rest of the Company had followed suit, leaving Lauren to bang her head against a tree and rush off to find the troll hoard and find a suitable weapon for taking them down.

The troll hoard stank. It smelled worse than a vampire nest. It smelled worse than a vampire nest filled with crap. It smelled like someone had let off five hundred Dungbombs and then thought “This needs some rotting seaweed and maybe a few skunks too.”

The point is, it smelt bad. If Lauren was not a Slayer, she would not be able to see in the dark depths either. After tripping over several bones, almost unearthing Sting and nearly falling into Orcrist and Glamdring, she found herself a nicely balanced sword in amongst several broken ribcages.

“Time to rescue those pesky Dwarves,” she thought, and she exited the cave and headed for the fire.

The first thing Lauren did was to silently shimmy up a tree in order to get a good vantage point. Bilbo was yelling at the trolls, telling them about the best ways to cook Dwarves, and the Dwarves were having none of it. The three trolls seemed to be mightily uncoordinated and thick as two short planks. “Easy targets, then,” Lauren muttered.

She ran to the end of her branch and yelled, “Maximum effort!!!” and stabbed the first troll straight through the neck. She pulled her sword free and launched herself in a flip directly over the fire from the first troll’s shoulders to the second, and embedded her sword straight through its skull, flipping onto the ground before it could fall and absolutely nailing the superhero landing. The last troll got punched in the throat, kicked in the groin and then beheaded.

Thirty seconds later, Gandalf turned up with a, “Dawn will- wait, what happened here?” and Bilbo threw up.

Thorin scowled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you notice the references?
> 
> Kudos and comments keep Lauren's fandom references flowing!
> 
> EDIT (24th September 2018) : I got a few flames in the comments so I put this work on hiatus for a bit without telling any of you. Oops. I'm back now though. Next update will be today or tomorrow.


	7. Chapter Six

Thorin was yelling at Gandalf. Lauren was standing right next to the both of them rolling her eyes, looking sassy and paying as little attention as possible. Bilbo was sitting on a rock looking at the rock that had been, for precisely half an hour before sunrise, the gruesomely decapitated head of a troll. The other dwarves were alternating between concentrating on getting dressed and staring at Lauren and muttering about her.

It didn't take long before Lauren was completely and utterly bored, and so she decided to move the quest along.

"LISTEN UP, GUYS!!!" she yelled, making everyone jump. "Are we gonna go explore the cave full of treasure and bones that I got this sweet sword from or not?"

Gloin perked up immediately at the word treasure, whereas Thorin looked confused. Lauren skipped off towards the cave, with a bunch of intrigued dwarves behind her.

"So, here is the stinky disgusting place," she said. "Personally, I'd want some sort of stink-cancelling device before going down there again. But when do I ever get what I want? On a completely unrelated note, I'm pretty sure you're gonna want to bury the gold and take the weapons. Bilbo! Come down here with me, we gotta get you armed in case something happens."

"I've never held a weapon before," Bilbo said. "I'm not sure I'd know what to do."

"Well," Lauren said seriously, "the premise is quite simple: stick the bad guys with your pointy end and avoid being stuck by theirs. Hopefully you won't need to fight for a while, though. From what I know, there's quite a few experienced warriors in this Company. Stick near us, and we'll protect you. Now, you're good at throwing things, correct?"

"Um... yes?" Bilbo said questioningly while Lauren rummaged through the piles of bones as if it was quite natural to be doing such a thing.

A few minutes later, Bilbo emerged armed with a nice set of throwing knives and, of course, Sting, although Lauren wasn't going to mention its name to him yet.

Lauren had grabbed as many weapons as possible for those in the company that she knew were not adequately armed. 

"Ori?" she asked, moving closer to talk to him. "I know you're only armed with a slingshot, and, truth be told, that is not going to make any dent in any enemy that may choose to attack us, except perhaps some demented pigeons. However, I found a nice battle hammer in the trolls' cave, and I think it would fit you quite well."

For her part, she had strapped two more swords to herself, one on her hip and the other to her back on top of her tank top and tied a set of daggers to her belt next to her stakes.

Suddenly a rustling came from the bushes and a sled pulled by rabbits and ridden by another Wizard burst through it. Wait, was that bird poop on his face? Did he actually not know that he had a stick insect in his mouth? Okay, this was not on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter actually got kind of serious. But then again, arming a hobbit could be considered a serious task...
> 
> comments will help lauren get more sassy.
> 
> flames will result in lauren abandoning the quest and hiding amongst the dunedain.


End file.
